Comeback Kid Mandelson points the way to China. The Tories don't even know where it is

Say what you like about Peter Mandelson, but he’s certainly played a blinder this week. First, a Conference speech in which he just about realised the impossible dream of winning the love of the Labour Party. Using his own comeback(s) as an inspiration for the desired comeback of his Party was a piece of unbelievable chutzpah; in this form he leaves Derren Brown standing as an illusionist.

And now a full-dress piece on China in today’s Telegraph. The impression (however misleading) is that the great man has found time amid the hurly-burly of a crucial Conference to regale us with words of well-matured wisdom.

It’s hardly an original observation that China will be a key economic player for the foreseeable future. But Lord M is reminding us of two things: firstly, that we have not done as much as we might have to realise those opportunities; and secondly, more subtly, that one racks one’s brains for the slightest scrap of evidence that Messrs Cameron and Osborne even know where China is. (Note for Tory conference organisers: it’s up in the top right hand corner, usually coloured yellow.)

It’s an uphill struggle. The Chinese – and who can blame them – are determined that if there’s money to be made out of their modernisation, it should be made by Chinese people. In the early days of China’s opening to the world economy, it used to be horribly difficult to repatriate one’s profits even if one made any. The example Mandelson gave of a successful British project was the Pilkington glass plant in Shanghai. Nothing wrong with that. But this project began in the 1980s, and I imagine returns in the early days were not high. You need to hunker down for the long term, as many Germans, Americans etc. have done. An atmosphere in which you have to deliver shareholder value in six months max or you can forget it doesn’t help.

But it’s no good telling us today what we should have been doing 25 years ago. What should we be doing today? All I can think of is being prepared to punt some money, and to get down and dirty. Don’t waste time schmoozing leaders – or does government create wealth all of a sudden? By all means be polite enough to them to ensure they don’t do you down, but remember that they’re just politicians – and ones without the chastening restraints of a free press, to boot. Don’t just stick around Beijing and Shanghai; they’ve been done to death, and costs are rocketing. Get out of the comfort zone. Find a sharp young English-speaking local fixer, and head out to the monoglot boonies. There are provinces you’ve never heard of with populations equal to Britain plus France. Your favourite restaurant will still be there when you get back; in the meantime, get those wobbly bits down you. Learn a bit of the lingo (hint: single people will work out how best to do this). Ten years of this, and you may have dysentery, cirrhosis and knackered lungs; you may also be suffering from morbid obesity of the wallet. And remember, Lord Mandelson is right behind you.