Winnie-the-Pooh: the unauthorised sequel

Christopher Robin chucked a crisp packet over the fence surrounding the Hundred Acre Agribusiness Park, noticing that the large sign guarding the entrance had been broken off diagonally to read TRESPASSERS W. “Bloody oiks from the comprehensive”, he said to Piglet, his eyes never drifting for a second from his Nintendo DS.

Rabbit came past at a rapid walk, texting frantically into his Blackberry. “Can’t stop, chaps. Board meeting in ten minutes. Got to marshal all the little friends and relations – sorry, non-executive directors I should say.”

“Where are the rest of the crowd?” asked Piglet eagerly.

“Doubt we’ll see Kanga and Roo today. Roo got caught jumping into the river once too often, and Kanga got a real going over from the Health and Safety Heffalump.”

Along trudged Eeyore, dripping wet from a small raincloud which hovered above him, while the rest of the sky was blue and sunlit. “Crappy English weather hasn’t changed much since 1928,” he murmured.

“Ooh look, it’s Eeyore!” squealed Piglet in joy.

“Hello, little Piglet. Hello, Christopher Robin,” said Eeyore. “Have you heard of this new book they’re bringing out about us?”

“No,” said Christopher Robin, “Do tell.”

“Typical of this Modern Media Age,” said Eeyore. “No privacy. No consideration. Just Money, Money, Money. Still,” he looked up hopefully, “I bet it won’t sell.”

“How exciting!” chirped Piglet.

“You don’t need to worry, little Piglet,” said Eeyore. “You’re not going to be in it. The Muslim Council of Britain have threatened riots unless you’re eliminated.”

“Where’s Pooh, incidentally?”

“Well, I left him in the cupboard under the stairs. Teddy bears are so twentieth century, don’t you think? This new writer chappie is going to have to get with the programme,” he went on, waving the Nintendo on which his fingers had never stopped cavorting. “Besides, Pooh’s all strange these days, ever since he discovered that genetically modified honey.”

“Yes,” said Piglet. “I never thought that second head really suited him.”

“So what’s the book going to be called then, if Pooh isn’t in it?” said Eeyore. “He rather got top billing last time,” he added wistfully, “Despite not being the most memorable character. By A Long Chalk,” he continued sadly.

“Well,” said Christopher Robin. “I rather think that it’s my turn this time. After all, you must admit I got a bum deal out of the last one. Total laughing stock for the rest of my life, everyone whispering “hoppety-hoppety-hoppety-hop” behind my back, and the old man made millions out of it and didn’t leave me a bent penny. All went to the Garrick and Westminster School, for Pete’s sake! It’ll be different this time. How about ‘Christopher Robin Cashes In At Last’? That has a certain ring about it.”

“Ker-ching!” squeaked Piglet.