Time for a new nickname for the Conservatives. Don't let in the LTV

Given the animosity which has crept into the current election campaign (much of it among readers of this blog – but I do not complain, I remember how I felt in 1996) isn’t it time for a new generation of political nicknames?

My commentators, stung not so much by my expressed views as by my declared allegiance to Labour, have come up with such gems as “the Sewer Party”, “Liebour”, “ZANULab” and the impressively agglomerative “ZaNuLieBore”. But none of these have really stuck, though I accept that the distortion of the previous Prime Minister’s name into “Bliar” has.

In Germany, the parties are generally known by their colours. Social Democrats are Red (though “very pale pink” might be more appropriate these days), Christian Democrats are Black (from their historical clerical-Catholic antecedents) and the Greens speak for themselves. When, after the 2005 elections, a Christian Democrat-Free Democrat-Green coalition was briefly considered, it was called the “Jamaica coalition”, after the colours – black, yellow and green – of the Jamaican flag. But you couldn’t do that in Britain – talking about the Reds or the Blues would only mark you out as a football fan.

No really effective nickname has stuck to my own party. Some of my Tory friends refer to us as the “Trots”, but there are far too many Trot groups around for one’s meaning to be clear, especially as some of those are actually Stalinists.

The Conservatives at least have an old-style red-blooded nickname: “Tory” was a name used for barbarous Irish bandits in the 17th century. Their opponents, the Whigs, derived their name from Scottish rebels, and in the eyes of such as Dr Johnson their name was an insult in itself. Speaking of a contemporary poet at dinner, the great Sam said: “Mason’s a Whig.” Affecting to have misheard, the lady next to him asked: “A Prig, Sir?” “Worse than that, a Whig!” the great man continued. “But he is both!” But there are no more Whigs, and the term “Tory” has become totally innocuous, used neutrally by friend and foe alike.

I have long wished to popularise my own name for Her Majesty’s current Opposition. Not only is it modern and snappy, but it also honours one of Labour’s heroes, Aneurin Bevan. I would like more people to understand me when I speak of the evils and inadequacies of the LTV. Many will remember one of Bevan’s most trenchant comments on his political opponents, a three-word phrase which I have reduced to its initials.

All right, some of my younger readers may require an explanation. Nye Bevan once memorably referred to the Tories as “lower than vermin”. I have nothing to add to that, though happy to reduce it to a set of initials.

Don’t let in the LTV. You know how long it can take to get rid of them.